When you get to a place called Kleinjongensfontein you might want to do a U-turn, as the car in picture did, because for one the road doesn't carry on and two there is nothing further down the coast. One might argue that there is nothing in Kleinjongensfontein, but that is another discussion altogether.
I find it amazing that decisions can be such a huge deal to the person who they affect most and in general everybody else doesn't really care. To be even more bold I would go so far as to say it is a general comment on society that everybody is very self absorbed in their own lives and cares very little for those around them, but that is not the point of this post.
From personal experience though, it might be a huge decision but I find that I never suddenly say this is what I have decided, slowly over time the one option just falls out the window and you are left with a decision. What is maybe a bit more scary is that sometimes I look back on these things and think, wow, what happened, did I really decide that, I don't particularly remember doing that. Naturally by that stage it is too late and I sort of have to make peace with it and move on, but somewhere in the back of my head it is floating around that I am not sure how I got to this point. Maybe it isn't a problem until I wake up being 40 with two kids- Crisis!
Wow, I have just made a decision to be more decisive this year! Bring it on, I will choose and choose decisively!
Ever got that feeling that you can't take it anymore, not in a suicidal way at all, but in a fullness and extreme happiness type of way?
Wow, what a way to start a post with suicidal right in there, let's try get back on track. So a bunch of stuff has happened and I'm left lying here with this feeling that is kinda like bubbling over. I did say that I was about to pop but then i decided that that might be bad for my health and here i am now trying to blog about it and thus no longer popping by the end of this.
Anyway, so how I got to this point is a long awesome story not suitable for a blog, however I will say that is has caused some very interesting and different feelings and this is what I am trying and I feel failing miserably at describing. That being said there is this amazing peace that is kinda just soothing to the soul, sort of like an iron being taken to a particularly scrunched up shirt. I would assume as i haven't really ironed much in my life, but it seems about right. So now with your smoothed out soul (Wow, very airy fairy) it feels like somebody keeps on adding layer after layer after layer and the pack so closely together and fit closely and there is no space for anything but the layers just keep coming and coming.
At one point I tried to go back and check out that first layer, mainly to check that it was still there, but also that it wasn't suffocating under all the new layers and you want to know what I found? There is was, smoother than ever and not just that, it was supporting all the other layers. It was the foundation of everything and everything has become the most beautiful huge big home- the type that is never fully built and just keeps on having rooms added on and new parts built.
Ok, so I got a bit carried away there with my similes, hopefully you followed, but this is really really hard to describe and this is naturally compounded by the fact that I don't quite know exactly what is going on in the first place, except from the simile above, it would seem my soul is smooth and calm and the foundation for something awesome, which i have no hope of defining.
What drives you? Today I went cycling and at a certain point I started questioning this. I mean, why was I still going. There was no prize, no applause, in fact nobody even congratulated me on finishing, they all just looked at me as if I was crazy. Why did I do it, what kept me going? Now please don't get me wrong, I don't mean in terms of life and the big picture type stuff, but more those things that you just do, and you maybe start of enjoying them but then they just go bad and somehow you just have to finish. Maybe a bad book, or a chore that becomes very tedious and repetitive. You could probably do it any other time, or quit and nobody would care, but for some reason you persevere. Is that what will power is, I always imagined it would have a big goal at the end that could be achieved and then you could brag to your friends or show or or be proud of yourself. That is the other thing, by finishing this stupid little thing, can you really be proud of yourself- well done, you read a book you didn't enjoy or finished a chore or completed a long cycle- big whoop! In reality though, no, not big whoop- nobody cares, in fact I'm wandering if I even care and yet somehow I keep doing these things.
So I really don't want to finish this post on such a negative note, so have to come up with some reason for it. Something inside me is going- it is me, your human spirit- I am unbreakable. Now I've heard stories about things like this from the war and people just refuse to give up, no matter how stupid the cause it, they persevere, they get it done. When push comes to shove, as it does in times of war, people keep on, the keep fighting, even when the odds are completely against them, they have hope. More than that I believe that every human has something inside of them that is unbreakable, something that keeps them going, that makes everyone a a fighter and may it never ever be broken as in some way it makes us human.